The Single Stigma

So I'm a 21 yr old female. A single 21 yr old female.

And there is one thing that is bothering me, apart from the fact I'm more likely to be sexually assaulted, I have men explaining things to me because they don't think that I already know, and I have to wait till next year for Game of Thrones to come back. And it's this:

People remind me that I'm single.

I Was That Girl

People love to complain about other people, and it's a well-known fact. Even people who try to never say a bad word about anyone else secretly enjoys pointing out the vices of others, or at least listening about the drama in their friend's lives.

One of these biggest faults has recently come to light, and that is girls who 'only hang out with boys because it's less drama'.

I admit, I was one of these girls.

I know, I know, I'm red with embarrassment but it had to be admitted.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't a total tomboy. I refuse to participate in sports. But I love hard rock bands, and I have certain interests that wouldn't be classed as being feminine.

I'm not like this anymore though, although I still listen to AC/DC and watch the goriest films I can find. Things have changed since then, obviously. Such as 3 different educational institutions, the entrance into adulthood, emigration, a wider reading into the feminist movement, and a lot of friendships. So this post is obviously going to be written from personal experience.

Growing up, I was placed into mixed schools and always befriended both girls and boys. But I tended to gravitate towards the same 3 girls in primary school. But once we were separated at the age of 12 and all went our separate ways to other schools, I found myself talking to the boys more. I had originally tried to talk to the girls but there were SO MANY, and I'm sorry but I can't keep up to date with all of their information. If I was a computer, I would have crashed. But the biggest thing I hated, was all of the back-stabbing, and low-key catty remarks. The boys I spoke to were never like that, in fact they kept everything light and just spoke about TV and games, so I was perfectly content in my little world of male small talk, and maybe two other girls who also didn't want to be in a huge group of girls who, like me, just wanted to keep things light and talk about the latest episode of American Horror Story.

Looking back on it, the biggest wedge that was driven between myself and these groups of girls was the lack of mutual interest. I genuinely didn't want to go out to nightclubs at 15 and wear short dresses. I wasn't confident enough for all of that. And I liked reading and discussing what was happening in the world, rather than who to date or what make up was the one to buy. I didn't like spending the money they did. I had my own life problems, and even though I didn't talk about it in school, it didn't mean that it didn't affect me.

Don't get me wrong, I still wore makeup, and watched Glee and nerded out over whatever consumerist phenomenon teen girls at the time were eating up, but I just never clicked with the other girls.

Skip ahead another few years.

I get to England, I start at college and I enter into a friend group of girls and boys. Yes, they discuss who is dating who, and their significant others, but they also nerd out over what I nerd out over, they like my music and my books and I'm enthralled because I am finally in the presence of like-minded individuals. These were people who had read the same books as me and knew the bands that I knew. In secondary school I was tormented over my music tastes. The people that did the tormenting may not have viewed it as such and instead may have seen it as 'a laugh', but it actually did hurt me and made me feel alienated. Which, again, caused a wedge between me and these big groups.

A few more years later, I'm in University and I have an all girl group, just like how it all started. I have 3 girls that I gravitate towards. And I've kept in touch with some other girls along the way. They mention their boyfriends, and I actually find it interesting. Another girl might complain about someone we know, and I just live for the details! I haven't become one of the girls from Secondary School, I don't wear ridiculous dresses, I've started wearing skirts and feeling more confident in myself, however.

Yes, there is drama, but it isn't exactly ours, it's someone else's and we are just discussing and dissecting it and it's amazing! It gives you this great feeling of 'if something happens, these girls have my back'. I have found my tribe! I am part of a sisterhood. I am really seeing and experiencing, firsthand, just how amazing women are! And it makes me proud to be a woman.

So what have I learned in my 17 years of mandatory educational socialising?

Boys can be the dramatic ones.

I have partially blamed all of my social problems on the fact that people who come from all-girls and all-boys schools create an expectation that they must immediately begin to date once they enter into a situation which requires a mixed environment.

But I have still met guys who have come from mixed school who tend to spark drama, or whine and 'complain like a girl'.

But while girls are given dirty looks and turned into memes for having the capability to vocalize their discomfort, a guy doing it has actually led to the emergence of 'a guy's girl', whereby a girl might choose to act as masculine as a boy and surround herself by boys, in the hopes that she will be taken seriously, but why should she have to feel like she needs to renounce some of her feminine qualities just to be taken seriously? She's human, shouldn't people be listening to her anyway?

Of course, some women are taken seriously, and some men aren't, it's always going to be a two sided coin, but this is the way that the media and representation has gone. It's often we hear of a girl who surrounds herself with  men because it's 'less drama', or see the Facebook meme about a demanding and overbearing girlfriend.

But let's face it, you can still wind up with a demanding and overbearing boyfriend, or meet a guy who stirs up all of the drama. Most sexual assault against women is committed by a man who won't take no for an answer, which, in itself, is quiet dramatic! Most people would just say 'okay' and leave!

We need to stop acting like one action is always committed by, or can only be committed by, the one gender.

Life isn't a film, it is possible for girls and boys to have a platonic friendship where no romance ensues. Some boys hang out with girls groups because that's what makes them happy and good on them! You go boys!!!

Just please try and get your other guy friends to stop making us feel like one of those girls who should hang with boys because, at the end of the day, it makes us females ashamed of other girls, and we shouldn't ever feel ashamed of our own, or of who we are.

 You aren't, so why should we?

I do not own any of the above pictures. All rights go towards their respected owners.

The Thorn In The Rose of Tralee - Women's Rights, Abortion, Class?

As an Irish citizen, born and bred in the Emerald Isles, it has become a right of passage to watch the Rose of Tralee for two nights in August, every single summer.
We've all been there. Running to get to the telly for half past nine, with your PJ's and some chocolate with all the girls in the house.
As children we idolise these women, we ogle the dresses, we watch how the jewellery gleams in the light and try to retain how they did their makeup so we can copy them later on. The mothers say how lovely the girls are for their volunteer work in Africa and how they have lovely singing voices.

A Response To The Latest Question, 'Are Women Funny?'

Lately, all of my social media news feeds are clogged full of memes claiming that women aren't funny. Like, WTF? Not funny? Dude, who gave you Parks and Recreation? Amy Poehler, a woman, that's who! How many viewers does Ellen DeGeneres have? Women have been doing nothing lately but prove how funny they are! Just go onto a site like Tumblr and you will see it for yourself. I'm a female, and I've often had people laugh at my jokes (not just at my face). 

After getting to see the new Ghostbusters film with Melissa McCarthy, you know, the one with all the women? Yeah that one, the one that was actually given a blessing by the original cast. I loved it! I even heard my brother laugh next to me. Yet when we left he said that he was disappointed and felt that there hadn't been enough comedy.

Confessions of a Serial Friendzoner.

I promised myself I would get back to updating between now and September, and this is dedicated to a friend of mine I am currently on holiday with, and who I always tend to debate feminist ideology with. This is for you x

Everyone loves to complain.
And when it comes to feminism, or women putting their foot down, they love to complain about being friend-zoned. You know those guys, right? They don't believe in feminism, instead arguing that it does nothing for men? We all know at least one.
It's a topic that seems to re-emerge now and again, and I've noticed it cropping its ugly head up again lately.

I confess, I'm guilty. I've said no to a few guys in my two decades on this planet. Most of them were lovely people, funny, smart, filled with good intentions. And I enjoyed being in their company too. They were some of the best people I got to know in my life, and I would do anything to prevent hurting their feelings just like with my female friends, but what I can't do, is prevent these feelings being hurt if it means compromising myself in the process.

It's not a case of refusing to settle for second best, although to all women, and men, out there I suggest you don't settle for second best.

Wouldn't I be the bigger villain in the story if I were to just say yes and lead these people on, knowing that I don't feel the same way? How do you know what love is if you're not supposed to have felt anything like it before?

Admittedly, whenever I've been asked out, it has just had a negative effect on me. It feels like a horrible joke, and someone is just going to laugh. Or it feels like the other person is just doing it because their settling for second best, and I know that they can do better than me. But this post isn't about my insecurities, it's about giving a voice to all of those people who have been villainized because they friend-zoned someone.  When you are still a friend to someone (thus the title FRIENDzone), it means that that person still cares for the person asking them out and that they still want them around in their life, it doesn't mean that they should just leave once someone says 'no'.
I once said no to a guy I knew for over ten years and he kinda just disappeared in and out of my life for a while. But whenever we meet nowadays we always have great and honest conversations and everything is easy breezy.
There was another guy who asked me out after four years (looking back we weren't even that close of friends when we were hanging out), and he just disappeared from my friend group afterward. I still don't know if its out of embarrassment (because I would have gone back to normal and pretended it never happened if he wanted me to) or if he had just been a part of my group because of me the whole time.
Actually, out of everyone who has outright asked to become more than friends, we always just drift away.

I admit that I need some time to myself afterwards, but it doesn't mean I want to lose the friendship altogether. It's guilt that eats at me. And that is what society has done to girls. We feel bad about saying 'no' when we shouldn't be. We feel bad for disappointing someone and saying no to their advances. Some guys take 'no' really well, in my experience, but others tend to act like total dicks, which I, again, have experience with. I don't know how this even happens since I rarely leave my house, or perhaps this is the reason I don't leave my house. I guess that is something to ponder for another time.

And also, girls have been forced to lie in today's society too. Most of the time, beginning from even age 4, a girl will say 'sorry, but I like someone else', and while they are sometimes telling the truth, this is mainly a lie to get people away from them. Some believe that this eases the disappointment, whilst others feel it is a safer option because it then looks like there is another guy in the picture that could potentially protect her, if her saying no to someone ever morphed into a violent attack. It's a scary experience saying no. Guys can say that they're nice and all, but all 7 billion people on the planet don't exactly get a memo saying 'Yeah lads, by the way, Steve is a nice guy and won't try to attack you if you turn him down'.

The friend zone isn't the be all and end all, because at the end of the day if you actually like that person you won't want them disappearing from your life and would be content being their friend. You can't demonize someone for saying no, and for not seeing you in the way you demand to be seen. If anything it means that there is someone out there waiting for you that you haven't met yet.

We live in a society where films are made where women are best friends with a guy and then end up together in the end, Pretty in Pink, The Princess Diaries, etc. It tells girls that this is the way that things should be and that the way to get a girl is to basically be manipulative and pretend to be a friend. Don't get me wrong, some of the friendships are real with no other hidden agendas.

Also, women face the friend zone just as much as men.

I know of a girl who has been seriously friend zoned, and it burns. But she tries, in her defense, to clear her head of him and to move on with her life, meeting new people, and talking to other guys, because she knows that at the root of it all, she has better in store for her, much better. And I admire her on so many levels. I think she's brave, and I'm seriously honored to have the privilege of knowing her.
Actually I know a girl back home in the same position too. In fact I see women coming forward more often, having 'fallen victim' to the friend-zone, although they don't complain about it as much and dedicate Tumblr blogs to it.

Oh and one last point. If someone refers to themselves as a 'nice guy' but are complaining because their advances were shot down, then that doesn't make them nice, it means they are a self-entitled asshole. So don't start buying into those Psychology Today articles on how to escape or avoid the Friend Zone, because that, my friends, is manipulation, and you wouldn't like someone doing that to you, now would you?

Women Being Pitted Against Women

Is anyone else here sick of that feud between Katy Perry and Taylor Swift? And everyone has seen Nicki Minaj asking Miley Cyrus "What's good", right?
Well back in the 90's Kathleen Hanna was pitted against Courtney Love. It seems the more you look back on the past, when you're dealing with the media, women are always being pitted against women, and that sucks. I mean, as a gender that demands equal rights, isn't kind of wasteful and time-consuming to be fighting amongst ourselves? Can't we have the Civil War after the Independence? Isn't that the way history generally tends to go anyway?

The Punk Singer: A Review

How did it take me three years to watch this actual masterpiece?

The Punk Singer is the 2013 documentary (or should I say rockumentary?), by the amazing Sini Anderson, covering the life and career of Kathleen Hanna, the voice behind legendary feminist punk band Bikini Kill, and also Le Tigre and Julie Ruin.

Since I was around the age of 14/15 I have been totally immersed in nineties rock music, being awed by bands like Hole, Nirvana, L7 and so on. I mean, I love rockumentaries and the 90's. I'm sure I've seen like every Hole and Nirvana related documentary ever made, even the ones I found to be one-sided and bullshit, I still watched those too. So as you can imagine, when I was told to go and watch this documentary for University, I