Confessions of a Serial Friendzoner.

I promised myself I would get back to updating between now and September, and this is dedicated to a friend of mine I am currently on holiday with, and who I always tend to debate feminist ideology with. This is for you x

Everyone loves to complain.
And when it comes to feminism, or women putting their foot down, they love to complain about being friend-zoned. You know those guys, right? They don't believe in feminism, instead arguing that it does nothing for men? We all know at least one.
It's a topic that seems to re-emerge now and again, and I've noticed it cropping its ugly head up again lately.

I confess, I'm guilty. I've said no to a few guys in my two decades on this planet. Most of them were lovely people, funny, smart, filled with good intentions. And I enjoyed being in their company too. They were some of the best people I got to know in my life, and I would do anything to prevent hurting their feelings just like with my female friends, but what I can't do, is prevent these feelings being hurt if it means compromising myself in the process.

It's not a case of refusing to settle for second best, although to all women, and men, out there I suggest you don't settle for second best.

Wouldn't I be the bigger villain in the story if I were to just say yes and lead these people on, knowing that I don't feel the same way? How do you know what love is if you're not supposed to have felt anything like it before?

Admittedly, whenever I've been asked out, it has just had a negative effect on me. It feels like a horrible joke, and someone is just going to laugh. Or it feels like the other person is just doing it because their settling for second best, and I know that they can do better than me. But this post isn't about my insecurities, it's about giving a voice to all of those people who have been villainized because they friend-zoned someone.  When you are still a friend to someone (thus the title FRIENDzone), it means that that person still cares for the person asking them out and that they still want them around in their life, it doesn't mean that they should just leave once someone says 'no'.
I once said no to a guy I knew for over ten years and he kinda just disappeared in and out of my life for a while. But whenever we meet nowadays we always have great and honest conversations and everything is easy breezy.
There was another guy who asked me out after four years (looking back we weren't even that close of friends when we were hanging out), and he just disappeared from my friend group afterward. I still don't know if its out of embarrassment (because I would have gone back to normal and pretended it never happened if he wanted me to) or if he had just been a part of my group because of me the whole time.
Actually, out of everyone who has outright asked to become more than friends, we always just drift away.

I admit that I need some time to myself afterwards, but it doesn't mean I want to lose the friendship altogether. It's guilt that eats at me. And that is what society has done to girls. We feel bad about saying 'no' when we shouldn't be. We feel bad for disappointing someone and saying no to their advances. Some guys take 'no' really well, in my experience, but others tend to act like total dicks, which I, again, have experience with. I don't know how this even happens since I rarely leave my house, or perhaps this is the reason I don't leave my house. I guess that is something to ponder for another time.

And also, girls have been forced to lie in today's society too. Most of the time, beginning from even age 4, a girl will say 'sorry, but I like someone else', and while they are sometimes telling the truth, this is mainly a lie to get people away from them. Some believe that this eases the disappointment, whilst others feel it is a safer option because it then looks like there is another guy in the picture that could potentially protect her, if her saying no to someone ever morphed into a violent attack. It's a scary experience saying no. Guys can say that they're nice and all, but all 7 billion people on the planet don't exactly get a memo saying 'Yeah lads, by the way, Steve is a nice guy and won't try to attack you if you turn him down'.

The friend zone isn't the be all and end all, because at the end of the day if you actually like that person you won't want them disappearing from your life and would be content being their friend. You can't demonize someone for saying no, and for not seeing you in the way you demand to be seen. If anything it means that there is someone out there waiting for you that you haven't met yet.

We live in a society where films are made where women are best friends with a guy and then end up together in the end, Pretty in Pink, The Princess Diaries, etc. It tells girls that this is the way that things should be and that the way to get a girl is to basically be manipulative and pretend to be a friend. Don't get me wrong, some of the friendships are real with no other hidden agendas.

Also, women face the friend zone just as much as men.

I know of a girl who has been seriously friend zoned, and it burns. But she tries, in her defense, to clear her head of him and to move on with her life, meeting new people, and talking to other guys, because she knows that at the root of it all, she has better in store for her, much better. And I admire her on so many levels. I think she's brave, and I'm seriously honored to have the privilege of knowing her.
Actually I know a girl back home in the same position too. In fact I see women coming forward more often, having 'fallen victim' to the friend-zone, although they don't complain about it as much and dedicate Tumblr blogs to it.

Oh and one last point. If someone refers to themselves as a 'nice guy' but are complaining because their advances were shot down, then that doesn't make them nice, it means they are a self-entitled asshole. So don't start buying into those Psychology Today articles on how to escape or avoid the Friend Zone, because that, my friends, is manipulation, and you wouldn't like someone doing that to you, now would you?

We Used To Be Friends, Now You Suck At Hate Mail

Friends right?
If they aren't right for you, it won't last. I know I write about my opinion quite a bit. but I don't always write about my personal life, so why not.
So I was once great friends with this girl. I stayed at her house every other weekend and we had music in common, and I turned to her when a lot of problems started up in my personal life.
We went around for days out and stuff and for a while I thought 'woah, she's so real. We know the truth, we're smart'. And for a while there she really inspired me in my writings, although upon reflection of what I wrote at the time, I feel as if I predicted our ending.

Good band, just kept me depressed when I had them on loop

You see, we're not friends anymore.
In fact she's admitted that she's wanted to rip me apart.

A year on from not speaking to her, and a year on from immigration and making new friends across the Irish Sea, I think that I've finally found true happiness.
When we were friends we listened to Nirvana a lot and felt that the world is a horrible dark place, and that we always needed eyeliner and converse. That every other person was fake and that people sucked. At the time I thought I was being mature and clever. Looking back, I was a fucking eejit dresses in black. Although I do tend to still dress in black.

While I feel free from this, I think I may have reinforced it for her. And in a way it's one of the things that have made me feel bad. But I remedy this with these thoughts:

1/  I shouldn't feel guilt for doing something that has made me happy. I shouldn't have to live in sadness, especially when she would have remained just as pessimistic anyway. Sometimes in life when we make decisions there will always be the people that think we've made the wrong choice, while there is also simultaneously those who think that we did the correct thing. I like the fact that I did what I did to make her hate me,  and I can't regret that, because it's opened doors for me. I'm now and on the path to a BA in Psychology, and my mind has been opened and expanded through sociological and theological conversation, which I never got at home, or with her for that matter.

2/ I've become mentally stable and happy. When we were friends all we did was wear jeans, eyeliner, listen to Nirvana and discuss how people are shit. A year away from this and I wear dresses, skirts, heels, lipstick, and I can happily listen to some pop or rap and not get judged for it. I feel less judged. Life has become a breath of fresh air.
Back when we were friends, I didn't talk to the other girls in my class. And I found it increasingly difficult to trust people. Now, for the first time in my life, I have a group of friends I can always text, make plans with and meet up with for lunch. I never had that in school before, so it's kinda sad that I only started having this in college. Granted, I still have trust issues, but I'm working on it.

We even have a Central Perk by our college and our own couches.

You see this falling out spawned from the fact that I said I couldn't live with her in England, when we moved for college. I believe that if I had actually gone through with it, I'd be in prison now for attempted murder or battery at the very least.
It had immediately been assumed that we would live together, and I have always been the little mouse who had trouble saying no, so I played along, which I admit is wrong, and I shouldn't have done that. My living plans had already been made and I found it difficult to say it.
Luckily, months before I finally left, I told the truth and said that I couldn't live with her in England, which resulted in her not being allowed to go to England.

I still immigrated and went to college, while she stayed in Ireland with no college, or job to fall back on.

David Bowie during his Ziggy Stardust era

I am glad that I told her months in advance. It makes me feel better as it would have given her enough time to plan something, but nothing materialized. She just sat around and wrote David Bowie lyrics on her bedroom wall.

I don't mean to sound like a bitch here, I just need to be blunt, but I do not miss the friendship. I don't miss being told I looked stupid, I don't miss being told that I couldn't do something right. And I don't miss the fact that most conversation revolved around bitching, or musicians who committed suicide 20 years ago. There was no nurturing or sensitivity there. I was demeaned and made to feel little for someone else's enjoyment. Whenever she had a problem, I listened, but whenever I had a problem it was just 'shut up, you always go on about this'.

In fact if I have any regrets, it's buying her a tenner's worth of cigarettes on the last day I saw her.

If I had never met her, I may not have survived, or I wouldn't have felt as depressed as I did back then, and I may have actually made friends with most of my class in school, had a normal social life, maybe had had a boyfriend and done normal teenage things.

It makes me feel like a weirdo now, in some ways. I'm the second eldest in my current friend group, yet most of the group has experience with being in a relationship. But I know that I don't need it, at the end of the day. I can be such a mess some-days as a single person, that I'd never want to drag someone else down with me. I already feel sorry for my first real boyfriend.

The girl, that this post is about, may think that I'm a bitch, but I'm not that much of a bitch. I'd never purposefully drag some poor guy down with me intentionally, if I had a bad day.

From her point of view, I know how hard it had been for her. But I'd had my back up plan, and she should have too. I know it's easy to now say that such and such should have been done, but I really did try to stay her friend. She's the one who cut contact, not me. I really tried, which is sorta why I got her ciggys in the first place.

But overall, I feel sorry for her. I really pity her.
I pity the fact that she thinks about me a year later.
I pity the fact that she feels compelled to find me on Tumblr.
I pity the fact that she needs to send me anons at 3pm on a Saturday because she has nothing else to do.
And I pity the fact that she will only ever watch Friends on TV, but never really experience the Friends-esque lifestyle that I do.

Yes, I lost one person, but I've gained so much more, both literally and mentally. When I go home to Ireland, I've got people who will try to go out of their way to see me, and when I return to England I've got friends that I can text all through the night. And it's these people that I truly can't live without, no matter what happens.

So, if you are reading this, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You want to get married at 18 to a guy you've met once? Go ahead, I've got nothing to say. I'm not jealous. I'm not angry. I'm not phased. You always said you didn't believe in it, but if you really want to, go ahead, whether it be because you really like him, or you want a Green Card.
I've got a good life going for myself. I've got work in the morning, then two days of exams, a day of drinking, and I get a tattoo next week, followed by a concert. I'm doing really great.

If anyone wants to talk about their own issues feel free to email me. 
I always enjoy comments or responses.

As is usually the case, pictures aren't mine and are the property of their rightful owners.

Feminist Idols

Before I begin, I just want to say that I was reading a 'how to' article on running a successful blog and it said something along the lines of 'write self help articles for your readers' and 'don't jump from irrelevant topic to irrelevant topic'. So before I begin, I'd just like to state that I may, now and again, commit this oh so heinous crime, and write a little something about a horrible day, or about how much I love a certain celebrity......well maybe not the latter, that may be turned into an odd article on obsession.

But enough of that, my feminist idols is who you're here for.

I thought that I would discuss my top three for this article:

 the first being the fabulous Caitlin Moran.

When I was 16, I was turned on to the book 'How To Be a Woman' written by this fabulous dame. I had the book read within two days, and couldn't stop telling my mother all about it. In fact, I think that it gave me the confidence to talk about really personal girl things like the menstrual cycle, for example. Before I had read the book I'd just be doubled over in pain and really shy going 'Mam...mam....Can I have painkillers?....why?....because...it's my time....my time for the thing!"
After reading the first half of the book, I could say the words 'fat,period, and feminist'.In fact I talk to my roommate about everything now, and I mean everything. I've never read a self help book. I may be a college student studying psychology in England, but to be honest, I don't buy into it, all that self help malarky is just a DIY on your cognitive habits. And that's the beauty of this book!
I hadn't gone looking for it, but it had found me! And at the right time too, before I moved to England and could feel self conscious among city girls in their designer clothes and perfect make up and hair at nine in the morning. On top of it all though, it brought me closer to my mother (which is a long story).
Anywho, after reading the book, and agreeing with everything that was said in it, I was confident and ready to face the world. Don't get me wrong, we all have bad days, but I still have moments when I think about the bit in the book that says that people should compliment others more often in order to brighten up their day, and it really works!

But this is a post on idols, not book reviews, although I may do one someday with a complete breakdown of books I have read and loved. This is a post on feminist idols and about the amazing Ms. Moran.

Upon finishing the book I decided that I wanted to be just like her when I reached adulthood (which I have by now). I wanted to be this person (hair and all, but that also goes into my next idol on the list). Like this idol of mine, I had a busy household with siblings and shared bedrooms. People are terrified when I eat fast, but its just the way I was raised. It was a case of snatch and grab because we always had to race for food before everything was gone. I was a recluse that never went around my housing estate, and fictional worlds were my main escape.

But this woman has said a huge FUCK YOU to the patriarchal system in which we live and hasn't been put off of sharing her opinions and ideas, instead becoming a journalist and printing these views in the funniest ways possible. Strong willed, fast talker, and shameless, this is a woman that I will always look up to. On top of spreading the good news of feminism, I also admire how she has slammed stereotypical radical views, and rather than burn a bra (which I'd love to do on the basis that they can hurt) she has settled down with a family of her own, showing that feminism isn't about women coming out on top, it's about equality and women doing what they want to do without being frowned at for it. If women want to have a career and never get married, they should have the right to do so, and if they want to have a family, they should as well. They should never do things just because society expects them to.
All in all, she is definitely someone that I would love to go on a night out with, or at least stay in with a cup of tea....or a bottle of wine, whichever floats your boat.

Next up, the Quirky Kate......Nash, that is.

Ranging from songs about stalking crushes and silent,black dress wearing girls, to songs about falling out with your best friend, and rapping about social inequalities of the genders, this is your woman. If you want something with a simple piano tune, or an empowered female screaming into a mic, she is definitely the go-to gal.

And, going back to my earlier point on hair, she also had Caitlin's style of having a white streak of hair contrasting against the rest of her dark hair (although full credit goes to Caitlin for starting the trend). It's gone now though, Kate went pink.
I first found this woman circa 2009 and saw her live last October. I must say, you should see her if you ever get a chance. She's wild, energetic, obviously inspired by the next woman on my list, and easily creates a kick ass atmosphere whenever she rocks out.
Also like Caitlin, Kate helps people to reclaim words that society has deemed unacceptable for young ladies. Not only is it unlady like to swear (and I do it like a sailor) it is also wrong, apparently, to use derogatory words like 'slut' and 'whore' if you're a woman. What society forgets is, when us females are really close, it's how we greet each other. We're not exactly serious when we say it, unless we see our arch nemesis in an amazing pair of shoes. Life isn't like Mean Girls, where we all have a secret vindictive agenda and mean what we say when we great each other with insults, we use them so we can learn to brush them off instead. My roommate has called me a slut more times than I can count, and if you were to even try it now, it wouldn't affect me.
After finishing her hit song 'Do-Wah-Doo' Kate then proceeded to spend the next minute walking around the stage saying 'bitch bitch bitch bitch'. And she was so happy doing it! It was adorable! I can't listen to that song anymore without having a smile on my  face!
The entire Girl Talk album is one big rant on behalf of women, and it's an amazing thing, seriously why isn't it platinum yet?! I'm actually waiting for her to work with Lily Allen, that would make my day.
And with that quirky gal of sunshine, I shall now end with my last feminist idol!

The glamorous, no shit taking, and I quote 'testosterone in a dress', Ms. Courtney Love Cobain!

I know I know, some people are probably reading this like 'seriously?!', but if you move away from the conspiracy theories for a second and look at the bigger picture, you'll see where I'm coming from, so bare with me.

She didn't have the best childhood, she had to do all she could to survive, and remained a strong and confident woman. She knew what she wanted to do, she admitted on a few occasions that she can't sing, yet she is still a multi-million record selling woman! She does what she loves, she doesn't take shit, she's honest, even sometimes brutally so. And she's so funny, if anyone here has seen her YouTube Channel. And despite all of the rumors and allegations around her, she still continues on, tells the world to fuck off, and enjoys life.

And people will turn around and say 'yeah but the drugs'.
Yes. I won't deny it. She into them, but so has Keith Richards, and Ozzy, but does anyone care about them doing a line of coke? No! But once Courtney does heroine, or once Stevie Nicks does coke, people just go insane. Her life was in a dark place and she fell, but we all fall. Some people get drunks, other people do worse things, but she pulled out of it for her daughter, she's been clean, and yes she starts fights and goes to court, but that's because she won't take anything sitting down. If you slap Courtney Love, you'll get a black eye, and that's precisely the reason I love her.

And honestly, she's a gifted lyricist, I love her new track and I can't wait to see her in Manchester next month.

And that's what I admire about all of these women. They remember that life is short and precious and that you can only do things if you make them happen. The only person that limits you in life is yourself, and while I may dream of writing a successful screenplay (which I have to begin because I'm that lazy) I still make sure that I enjoy myself when I get side tracked and turn to fanfiction instead!
This idea of life being so short has made these women ignore the haters, say a big giant FUCK YOU to people who put them down and continue to do what they love and enjoy themselves, ignoring mysogny and sexism.

I want the toughness of Courtney, the wittiness of Caitlin and the confidence of Kate.
Courtney, Caitlin, Kate (great alliterations eh?)

And thanks to these women I am, to quote Kate, "An independent women of the 21st century"

xx

I do not own any of the pictures used in this post, and all credit goes towards respected photgraphers and companies