Confessions of a Serial Friendzoner.

I promised myself I would get back to updating between now and September, and this is dedicated to a friend of mine I am currently on holiday with, and who I always tend to debate feminist ideology with. This is for you x

Everyone loves to complain.
And when it comes to feminism, or women putting their foot down, they love to complain about being friend-zoned. You know those guys, right? They don't believe in feminism, instead arguing that it does nothing for men? We all know at least one.
It's a topic that seems to re-emerge now and again, and I've noticed it cropping its ugly head up again lately.

I confess, I'm guilty. I've said no to a few guys in my two decades on this planet. Most of them were lovely people, funny, smart, filled with good intentions. And I enjoyed being in their company too. They were some of the best people I got to know in my life, and I would do anything to prevent hurting their feelings just like with my female friends, but what I can't do, is prevent these feelings being hurt if it means compromising myself in the process.

It's not a case of refusing to settle for second best, although to all women, and men, out there I suggest you don't settle for second best.

Wouldn't I be the bigger villain in the story if I were to just say yes and lead these people on, knowing that I don't feel the same way? How do you know what love is if you're not supposed to have felt anything like it before?

Admittedly, whenever I've been asked out, it has just had a negative effect on me. It feels like a horrible joke, and someone is just going to laugh. Or it feels like the other person is just doing it because their settling for second best, and I know that they can do better than me. But this post isn't about my insecurities, it's about giving a voice to all of those people who have been villainized because they friend-zoned someone.  When you are still a friend to someone (thus the title FRIENDzone), it means that that person still cares for the person asking them out and that they still want them around in their life, it doesn't mean that they should just leave once someone says 'no'.
I once said no to a guy I knew for over ten years and he kinda just disappeared in and out of my life for a while. But whenever we meet nowadays we always have great and honest conversations and everything is easy breezy.
There was another guy who asked me out after four years (looking back we weren't even that close of friends when we were hanging out), and he just disappeared from my friend group afterward. I still don't know if its out of embarrassment (because I would have gone back to normal and pretended it never happened if he wanted me to) or if he had just been a part of my group because of me the whole time.
Actually, out of everyone who has outright asked to become more than friends, we always just drift away.

I admit that I need some time to myself afterwards, but it doesn't mean I want to lose the friendship altogether. It's guilt that eats at me. And that is what society has done to girls. We feel bad about saying 'no' when we shouldn't be. We feel bad for disappointing someone and saying no to their advances. Some guys take 'no' really well, in my experience, but others tend to act like total dicks, which I, again, have experience with. I don't know how this even happens since I rarely leave my house, or perhaps this is the reason I don't leave my house. I guess that is something to ponder for another time.

And also, girls have been forced to lie in today's society too. Most of the time, beginning from even age 4, a girl will say 'sorry, but I like someone else', and while they are sometimes telling the truth, this is mainly a lie to get people away from them. Some believe that this eases the disappointment, whilst others feel it is a safer option because it then looks like there is another guy in the picture that could potentially protect her, if her saying no to someone ever morphed into a violent attack. It's a scary experience saying no. Guys can say that they're nice and all, but all 7 billion people on the planet don't exactly get a memo saying 'Yeah lads, by the way, Steve is a nice guy and won't try to attack you if you turn him down'.

The friend zone isn't the be all and end all, because at the end of the day if you actually like that person you won't want them disappearing from your life and would be content being their friend. You can't demonize someone for saying no, and for not seeing you in the way you demand to be seen. If anything it means that there is someone out there waiting for you that you haven't met yet.

We live in a society where films are made where women are best friends with a guy and then end up together in the end, Pretty in Pink, The Princess Diaries, etc. It tells girls that this is the way that things should be and that the way to get a girl is to basically be manipulative and pretend to be a friend. Don't get me wrong, some of the friendships are real with no other hidden agendas.

Also, women face the friend zone just as much as men.

I know of a girl who has been seriously friend zoned, and it burns. But she tries, in her defense, to clear her head of him and to move on with her life, meeting new people, and talking to other guys, because she knows that at the root of it all, she has better in store for her, much better. And I admire her on so many levels. I think she's brave, and I'm seriously honored to have the privilege of knowing her.
Actually I know a girl back home in the same position too. In fact I see women coming forward more often, having 'fallen victim' to the friend-zone, although they don't complain about it as much and dedicate Tumblr blogs to it.

Oh and one last point. If someone refers to themselves as a 'nice guy' but are complaining because their advances were shot down, then that doesn't make them nice, it means they are a self-entitled asshole. So don't start buying into those Psychology Today articles on how to escape or avoid the Friend Zone, because that, my friends, is manipulation, and you wouldn't like someone doing that to you, now would you?

We Used To Be Friends, Now You Suck At Hate Mail

Friends right?
If they aren't right for you, it won't last. I know I write about my opinion quite a bit. but I don't always write about my personal life, so why not.
So I was once great friends with this girl. I stayed at her house every other weekend and we had music in common, and I turned to her when a lot of problems started up in my personal life.
We went around for days out and stuff and for a while I thought 'woah, she's so real. We know the truth, we're smart'. And for a while there she really inspired me in my writings, although upon reflection of what I wrote at the time, I feel as if I predicted our ending.

Good band, just kept me depressed when I had them on loop

You see, we're not friends anymore.
In fact she's admitted that she's wanted to rip me apart.

A year on from not speaking to her, and a year on from immigration and making new friends across the Irish Sea, I think that I've finally found true happiness.
When we were friends we listened to Nirvana a lot and felt that the world is a horrible dark place, and that we always needed eyeliner and converse. That every other person was fake and that people sucked. At the time I thought I was being mature and clever. Looking back, I was a fucking eejit dresses in black. Although I do tend to still dress in black.

While I feel free from this, I think I may have reinforced it for her. And in a way it's one of the things that have made me feel bad. But I remedy this with these thoughts:

1/  I shouldn't feel guilt for doing something that has made me happy. I shouldn't have to live in sadness, especially when she would have remained just as pessimistic anyway. Sometimes in life when we make decisions there will always be the people that think we've made the wrong choice, while there is also simultaneously those who think that we did the correct thing. I like the fact that I did what I did to make her hate me,  and I can't regret that, because it's opened doors for me. I'm now and on the path to a BA in Psychology, and my mind has been opened and expanded through sociological and theological conversation, which I never got at home, or with her for that matter.

2/ I've become mentally stable and happy. When we were friends all we did was wear jeans, eyeliner, listen to Nirvana and discuss how people are shit. A year away from this and I wear dresses, skirts, heels, lipstick, and I can happily listen to some pop or rap and not get judged for it. I feel less judged. Life has become a breath of fresh air.
Back when we were friends, I didn't talk to the other girls in my class. And I found it increasingly difficult to trust people. Now, for the first time in my life, I have a group of friends I can always text, make plans with and meet up with for lunch. I never had that in school before, so it's kinda sad that I only started having this in college. Granted, I still have trust issues, but I'm working on it.

We even have a Central Perk by our college and our own couches.

You see this falling out spawned from the fact that I said I couldn't live with her in England, when we moved for college. I believe that if I had actually gone through with it, I'd be in prison now for attempted murder or battery at the very least.
It had immediately been assumed that we would live together, and I have always been the little mouse who had trouble saying no, so I played along, which I admit is wrong, and I shouldn't have done that. My living plans had already been made and I found it difficult to say it.
Luckily, months before I finally left, I told the truth and said that I couldn't live with her in England, which resulted in her not being allowed to go to England.

I still immigrated and went to college, while she stayed in Ireland with no college, or job to fall back on.

David Bowie during his Ziggy Stardust era

I am glad that I told her months in advance. It makes me feel better as it would have given her enough time to plan something, but nothing materialized. She just sat around and wrote David Bowie lyrics on her bedroom wall.

I don't mean to sound like a bitch here, I just need to be blunt, but I do not miss the friendship. I don't miss being told I looked stupid, I don't miss being told that I couldn't do something right. And I don't miss the fact that most conversation revolved around bitching, or musicians who committed suicide 20 years ago. There was no nurturing or sensitivity there. I was demeaned and made to feel little for someone else's enjoyment. Whenever she had a problem, I listened, but whenever I had a problem it was just 'shut up, you always go on about this'.

In fact if I have any regrets, it's buying her a tenner's worth of cigarettes on the last day I saw her.

If I had never met her, I may not have survived, or I wouldn't have felt as depressed as I did back then, and I may have actually made friends with most of my class in school, had a normal social life, maybe had had a boyfriend and done normal teenage things.

It makes me feel like a weirdo now, in some ways. I'm the second eldest in my current friend group, yet most of the group has experience with being in a relationship. But I know that I don't need it, at the end of the day. I can be such a mess some-days as a single person, that I'd never want to drag someone else down with me. I already feel sorry for my first real boyfriend.

The girl, that this post is about, may think that I'm a bitch, but I'm not that much of a bitch. I'd never purposefully drag some poor guy down with me intentionally, if I had a bad day.

From her point of view, I know how hard it had been for her. But I'd had my back up plan, and she should have too. I know it's easy to now say that such and such should have been done, but I really did try to stay her friend. She's the one who cut contact, not me. I really tried, which is sorta why I got her ciggys in the first place.

But overall, I feel sorry for her. I really pity her.
I pity the fact that she thinks about me a year later.
I pity the fact that she feels compelled to find me on Tumblr.
I pity the fact that she needs to send me anons at 3pm on a Saturday because she has nothing else to do.
And I pity the fact that she will only ever watch Friends on TV, but never really experience the Friends-esque lifestyle that I do.

Yes, I lost one person, but I've gained so much more, both literally and mentally. When I go home to Ireland, I've got people who will try to go out of their way to see me, and when I return to England I've got friends that I can text all through the night. And it's these people that I truly can't live without, no matter what happens.

So, if you are reading this, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You want to get married at 18 to a guy you've met once? Go ahead, I've got nothing to say. I'm not jealous. I'm not angry. I'm not phased. You always said you didn't believe in it, but if you really want to, go ahead, whether it be because you really like him, or you want a Green Card.
I've got a good life going for myself. I've got work in the morning, then two days of exams, a day of drinking, and I get a tattoo next week, followed by a concert. I'm doing really great.

If anyone wants to talk about their own issues feel free to email me. 
I always enjoy comments or responses.

As is usually the case, pictures aren't mine and are the property of their rightful owners.