Confessions of a Serial Friendzoner.

I promised myself I would get back to updating between now and September, and this is dedicated to a friend of mine I am currently on holiday with, and who I always tend to debate feminist ideology with. This is for you x

Everyone loves to complain.
And when it comes to feminism, or women putting their foot down, they love to complain about being friend-zoned. You know those guys, right? They don't believe in feminism, instead arguing that it does nothing for men? We all know at least one.
It's a topic that seems to re-emerge now and again, and I've noticed it cropping its ugly head up again lately.

I confess, I'm guilty. I've said no to a few guys in my two decades on this planet. Most of them were lovely people, funny, smart, filled with good intentions. And I enjoyed being in their company too. They were some of the best people I got to know in my life, and I would do anything to prevent hurting their feelings just like with my female friends, but what I can't do, is prevent these feelings being hurt if it means compromising myself in the process.

It's not a case of refusing to settle for second best, although to all women, and men, out there I suggest you don't settle for second best.

Wouldn't I be the bigger villain in the story if I were to just say yes and lead these people on, knowing that I don't feel the same way? How do you know what love is if you're not supposed to have felt anything like it before?

Admittedly, whenever I've been asked out, it has just had a negative effect on me. It feels like a horrible joke, and someone is just going to laugh. Or it feels like the other person is just doing it because their settling for second best, and I know that they can do better than me. But this post isn't about my insecurities, it's about giving a voice to all of those people who have been villainized because they friend-zoned someone.  When you are still a friend to someone (thus the title FRIENDzone), it means that that person still cares for the person asking them out and that they still want them around in their life, it doesn't mean that they should just leave once someone says 'no'.
I once said no to a guy I knew for over ten years and he kinda just disappeared in and out of my life for a while. But whenever we meet nowadays we always have great and honest conversations and everything is easy breezy.
There was another guy who asked me out after four years (looking back we weren't even that close of friends when we were hanging out), and he just disappeared from my friend group afterward. I still don't know if its out of embarrassment (because I would have gone back to normal and pretended it never happened if he wanted me to) or if he had just been a part of my group because of me the whole time.
Actually, out of everyone who has outright asked to become more than friends, we always just drift away.

I admit that I need some time to myself afterwards, but it doesn't mean I want to lose the friendship altogether. It's guilt that eats at me. And that is what society has done to girls. We feel bad about saying 'no' when we shouldn't be. We feel bad for disappointing someone and saying no to their advances. Some guys take 'no' really well, in my experience, but others tend to act like total dicks, which I, again, have experience with. I don't know how this even happens since I rarely leave my house, or perhaps this is the reason I don't leave my house. I guess that is something to ponder for another time.

And also, girls have been forced to lie in today's society too. Most of the time, beginning from even age 4, a girl will say 'sorry, but I like someone else', and while they are sometimes telling the truth, this is mainly a lie to get people away from them. Some believe that this eases the disappointment, whilst others feel it is a safer option because it then looks like there is another guy in the picture that could potentially protect her, if her saying no to someone ever morphed into a violent attack. It's a scary experience saying no. Guys can say that they're nice and all, but all 7 billion people on the planet don't exactly get a memo saying 'Yeah lads, by the way, Steve is a nice guy and won't try to attack you if you turn him down'.

The friend zone isn't the be all and end all, because at the end of the day if you actually like that person you won't want them disappearing from your life and would be content being their friend. You can't demonize someone for saying no, and for not seeing you in the way you demand to be seen. If anything it means that there is someone out there waiting for you that you haven't met yet.

We live in a society where films are made where women are best friends with a guy and then end up together in the end, Pretty in Pink, The Princess Diaries, etc. It tells girls that this is the way that things should be and that the way to get a girl is to basically be manipulative and pretend to be a friend. Don't get me wrong, some of the friendships are real with no other hidden agendas.

Also, women face the friend zone just as much as men.

I know of a girl who has been seriously friend zoned, and it burns. But she tries, in her defense, to clear her head of him and to move on with her life, meeting new people, and talking to other guys, because she knows that at the root of it all, she has better in store for her, much better. And I admire her on so many levels. I think she's brave, and I'm seriously honored to have the privilege of knowing her.
Actually I know a girl back home in the same position too. In fact I see women coming forward more often, having 'fallen victim' to the friend-zone, although they don't complain about it as much and dedicate Tumblr blogs to it.

Oh and one last point. If someone refers to themselves as a 'nice guy' but are complaining because their advances were shot down, then that doesn't make them nice, it means they are a self-entitled asshole. So don't start buying into those Psychology Today articles on how to escape or avoid the Friend Zone, because that, my friends, is manipulation, and you wouldn't like someone doing that to you, now would you?

Women Being Pitted Against Women

Is anyone else here sick of that feud between Katy Perry and Taylor Swift? And everyone has seen Nicki Minaj asking Miley Cyrus "What's good", right?
Well back in the 90's Kathleen Hanna was pitted against Courtney Love. It seems the more you look back on the past, when you're dealing with the media, women are always being pitted against women, and that sucks. I mean, as a gender that demands equal rights, isn't kind of wasteful and time-consuming to be fighting amongst ourselves? Can't we have the Civil War after the Independence? Isn't that the way history generally tends to go anyway?

The Punk Singer: A Review

How did it take me three years to watch this actual masterpiece?

The Punk Singer is the 2013 documentary (or should I say rockumentary?), by the amazing Sini Anderson, covering the life and career of Kathleen Hanna, the voice behind legendary feminist punk band Bikini Kill, and also Le Tigre and Julie Ruin.

Since I was around the age of 14/15 I have been totally immersed in nineties rock music, being awed by bands like Hole, Nirvana, L7 and so on. I mean, I love rockumentaries and the 90's. I'm sure I've seen like every Hole and Nirvana related documentary ever made, even the ones I found to be one-sided and bullshit, I still watched those too. So as you can imagine, when I was told to go and watch this documentary for University, I

An Emigrant Without A Say

Today I came across an article on Facebook that mentioned the fact that Irish emigrants still do not have the legal right to vote outside of the island of Ireland, so I decided to do a little digging.

I already knew this, of course, a fact that I, unfortunately, learned during the May referendum concerning same-sex marriage. While all of my family and friends got a say on this pivotal moment in history, I could only watch from the sidelines and listen for any news I could.

Tracing the Tree: Experiences and Tricks

By now you've probably noticed that my posts are either personal, reviews, or something to do with feminism.
I haven't been active the past few months because of technical issues and the fact I was jumping from country to country but I'm officially back!

Anyway, lets talk about genealogy.

So over a year ago I decided to cross something off of my bucket list, and that was to finally trace my lineage. Growing up I was always quite limited in the way of family, in comparison to all my friends. In school people always had 30 cousins and knew who their 2nd cousins once removed were, but I never exactly  had a  clue. I knew immediate 1st cousins and aunts and uncles and that was it. People could also claim relatives in Australia, America, England, Canada, and so on, whereas I couldn't.
Up until last year.

Here is a list of things I learned which I hope you find useful.

Why Tomitago is The Cream We All Need

This cream is the Jack of all trades, and masters all of them5/5

Usually whenever I am asked to rate something, I never give it full stars. It can take a lot to impress me. I always manage to find flaws. But this cream is an absolute miracle.
For all those people who are burdened by numerous creams, fear no more. Tomitago is here, and it will definitely stay!
A few weeks ago I got my pot of Tomitago to try out, and was immediately impressed.

It comes beautifully, yet simply, packaged in a transparent grey netted bag with a small spatula (for those who worry about using too much at a time).
This cream also smells wonderful and so fresh and clean. It isnt too strong or sweet, and it isn't a smell that would knock the consumer. It smells very natural and organic, which is exactly what it is. This is a chemical free product!

The Thing About Living With An Artist

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The other day I found myself in a warm and full bath, fully clothed, with some milk and flour mixed in.
I am a twenty year old who sat in a bath, that was basically cake ingredients.
I felt like Cruella de Vill when she got turned into a giant cake.

This is basically because I live with an artist, and my literal dunk into confectionery was in the name of photography.

This isn't the first odd thing I have been asked to do.