The Single Stigma

So I'm a 21 yr old female. A single 21 yr old female.

And there is one thing that is bothering me, apart from the fact I'm more likely to be sexually assaulted, I have men explaining things to me because they don't think that I already know, and I have to wait till next year for Game of Thrones to come back. And it's this:

People remind me that I'm single.




I know that I'm single. I made that choice. I'm the one that says no to dates. I'm the one that goes to bed alone at night. And I'm the one who is basically the reason that I'm single.

But people have this habit of trying to set me up with guys, at one stage they even thought I was into girls. The biggest way they do this, is actually what annoys me the most. And that is the classic line of  'Just give him a chance'.

Eh, how about 'no'?

To me, personally, it implies that I should be putting that particular person's happiness first, and place my own on the back burner. And I don't see why we should be telling our girls to ignore their happiness and instead tend to someone else's. Don't get me wrong, the person in question might be a lovely person. I'm just saying that if I have to live my life for the next 60 odd years and then die, I'm kinda going to put my own happiness first. It's my happiness, my life, my decisions, my rules. Just as an abortion or having a child should be my choice. Just like marriage should be my choice. My degree is of my own choosing and what to have for dinner? Also mine to decide.

It's nice to have the option. And I thank people who help to give me my options. But no thanks. If I want a relationship, I'll join a dating site.

And I shouldn't have to feel guilty or apologetic.

I know some of it sounds like friend-zoning, which I've already written about and can be found here, but that's not the point of this whole post. I'm not trying to be anti-relationship either. I'm fine with them, I just don't want people trying to make me, or those like me, feel that I need one.

My point, overall, is that women now face a stigma of being single and alone, as if it is supposed to be a bad thing. It's not, by the way, it's actually pretty friggin' great!

Originally, the role of the woman was to be married off (sometimes in return for some livestock or money, like a business transaction, but not always), have children, clean the house, feed the man and the kids, then die. The End. That was her life.

With the last 150 years of social change and the creation of women's rights, women can now pursue a career and have a family simultaneously, although it is still difficult. They still face a glass ceiling as some need time off and maternity leave, while others are accused of suffering from 'baby brain' when they make a mistake after coming back to work after having a child. Other women face not getting the job they want because of their marital or maternal status, although this has actually been made illegal in some countries.
So it shouldn't come as a shock that some women prefer to not have children or marriage, while others opt to wait 10 or 20 years or so. Now that women finally have the option to focus on having a hugely successful career, some want to become as successful as possible, letting nothing get in their way.

Personally. I want my education, I don't believe in marriage, and I have serious trust issues that I need to deal with. But I also, in a way, feel like I'm protecting men by saying no to them, because I don't want them dealing with me on a bad day, or having to deal with my paranoia and trust issues. Don't get me wrong, I will probably eventually meet someone. But that might be in the next 20 years. No one knows these things. And I'm not necessarily going to put everything on hold in order to meet someone, that may not even stick around. Relationships don't always stick, but you'll always have your degree.

But I shouldn't have to explain myself, or be stigmatized because of these things. I'm perfectly happy being single, so why is the idea of my being single viewed by others as being a bad thing? Why do I have to drop everything to answer these questions? Do guys get asked these questions? I don't think I've met one, and I know a good few guys.

When people think of an aged, yet unmarried woman. They think of the spinster, they feel sorry for her, being all alone. She is stereotyped as being this old woman who drinks wine alone with a load of cats living with her. Yet when you think of a single male pensioner people think that he has had a good life, worked, travelled, his family visits him. But they don't pity him as much as the woman.

It doesn't even have to be about marriage. It's just the whole concept of being with someone. Today's generation are getting better at getting over the fact that people can be together for the rest of their lives without spending the money on a wedding or marriage license.

And it's not just kids, although I'm sure that deserves a whole post in its own right.

Men don't face the same stigma that us women do. They can have a wife and family and a good job, because there is less chance of them having to sacrifice their career. They won't be pregnant for nine months, or breastfeeding. They will be staying on track and going to work, with no glass ceiling. No one pressures a guy and says 'oh just give her a chance'. Then again, no one is going to grab him inappropriately or tell him to smile more, either.

But it's not the fault of men, in fact they face the stigma too but not to the degree that women do. It's our socialization. It's our families and friends. We've created this for ourselves and we really need to break it. We need to break it by breaking masculinity and femininity norms, and by allowing paternity leave. We need to stop workplace sexism for women, and continue to smash our glass ceiling.

It makes us single people upset and angry when people point it out, or tell us not to be single. What about all of those people who are gay and have yet to come out. What about girls who's parent's tell them to give a guy a chance, yet have yet to tell their parents that they actually like girls instead. That must be one of the worst and most frustrating feelings in the world. We need to stop the stigma now, and end the pressures that we are placing on our girls!

I find it amazing that as a society, we still prioritise marriage, despite reports of domestic abuse within relationships, which are shockingly high for women, and divorce rates, which have actually been seen to be on the rise.

Not to mention that this pressure to enter into a relationships could quite possibly be fuelling other societal pressures, such as beauty and fitness pressures.

So the next time you're 3rd or 5th wheeling with your friends, and someone points out a guy that you might like, remember that it's okay to talk to them. But it's also nice to not try to get his number either.

You do you.



If you are interested in this particular topic, I suggest an article here, from TED Talks.

I claim no ownership over these photos, all rights go towards their respective owners.