We Used To Be Friends, Now You Suck At Hate Mail

Friends right?
If they aren't right for you, it won't last. I know I write about my opinion quite a bit. but I don't always write about my personal life, so why not.
So I was once great friends with this girl. I stayed at her house every other weekend and we had music in common, and I turned to her when a lot of problems started up in my personal life.
We went around for days out and stuff and for a while I thought 'woah, she's so real. We know the truth, we're smart'. And for a while there she really inspired me in my writings, although upon reflection of what I wrote at the time, I feel as if I predicted our ending.

Good band, just kept me depressed when I had them on loop

You see, we're not friends anymore.
In fact she's admitted that she's wanted to rip me apart.

A year on from not speaking to her, and a year on from immigration and making new friends across the Irish Sea, I think that I've finally found true happiness.
When we were friends we listened to Nirvana a lot and felt that the world is a horrible dark place, and that we always needed eyeliner and converse. That every other person was fake and that people sucked. At the time I thought I was being mature and clever. Looking back, I was a fucking eejit dresses in black. Although I do tend to still dress in black.

While I feel free from this, I think I may have reinforced it for her. And in a way it's one of the things that have made me feel bad. But I remedy this with these thoughts:

1/  I shouldn't feel guilt for doing something that has made me happy. I shouldn't have to live in sadness, especially when she would have remained just as pessimistic anyway. Sometimes in life when we make decisions there will always be the people that think we've made the wrong choice, while there is also simultaneously those who think that we did the correct thing. I like the fact that I did what I did to make her hate me,  and I can't regret that, because it's opened doors for me. I'm now and on the path to a BA in Psychology, and my mind has been opened and expanded through sociological and theological conversation, which I never got at home, or with her for that matter.

2/ I've become mentally stable and happy. When we were friends all we did was wear jeans, eyeliner, listen to Nirvana and discuss how people are shit. A year away from this and I wear dresses, skirts, heels, lipstick, and I can happily listen to some pop or rap and not get judged for it. I feel less judged. Life has become a breath of fresh air.
Back when we were friends, I didn't talk to the other girls in my class. And I found it increasingly difficult to trust people. Now, for the first time in my life, I have a group of friends I can always text, make plans with and meet up with for lunch. I never had that in school before, so it's kinda sad that I only started having this in college. Granted, I still have trust issues, but I'm working on it.

We even have a Central Perk by our college and our own couches.

You see this falling out spawned from the fact that I said I couldn't live with her in England, when we moved for college. I believe that if I had actually gone through with it, I'd be in prison now for attempted murder or battery at the very least.
It had immediately been assumed that we would live together, and I have always been the little mouse who had trouble saying no, so I played along, which I admit is wrong, and I shouldn't have done that. My living plans had already been made and I found it difficult to say it.
Luckily, months before I finally left, I told the truth and said that I couldn't live with her in England, which resulted in her not being allowed to go to England.

I still immigrated and went to college, while she stayed in Ireland with no college, or job to fall back on.

David Bowie during his Ziggy Stardust era

I am glad that I told her months in advance. It makes me feel better as it would have given her enough time to plan something, but nothing materialized. She just sat around and wrote David Bowie lyrics on her bedroom wall.

I don't mean to sound like a bitch here, I just need to be blunt, but I do not miss the friendship. I don't miss being told I looked stupid, I don't miss being told that I couldn't do something right. And I don't miss the fact that most conversation revolved around bitching, or musicians who committed suicide 20 years ago. There was no nurturing or sensitivity there. I was demeaned and made to feel little for someone else's enjoyment. Whenever she had a problem, I listened, but whenever I had a problem it was just 'shut up, you always go on about this'.

In fact if I have any regrets, it's buying her a tenner's worth of cigarettes on the last day I saw her.

If I had never met her, I may not have survived, or I wouldn't have felt as depressed as I did back then, and I may have actually made friends with most of my class in school, had a normal social life, maybe had had a boyfriend and done normal teenage things.

It makes me feel like a weirdo now, in some ways. I'm the second eldest in my current friend group, yet most of the group has experience with being in a relationship. But I know that I don't need it, at the end of the day. I can be such a mess some-days as a single person, that I'd never want to drag someone else down with me. I already feel sorry for my first real boyfriend.

The girl, that this post is about, may think that I'm a bitch, but I'm not that much of a bitch. I'd never purposefully drag some poor guy down with me intentionally, if I had a bad day.

From her point of view, I know how hard it had been for her. But I'd had my back up plan, and she should have too. I know it's easy to now say that such and such should have been done, but I really did try to stay her friend. She's the one who cut contact, not me. I really tried, which is sorta why I got her ciggys in the first place.

But overall, I feel sorry for her. I really pity her.
I pity the fact that she thinks about me a year later.
I pity the fact that she feels compelled to find me on Tumblr.
I pity the fact that she needs to send me anons at 3pm on a Saturday because she has nothing else to do.
And I pity the fact that she will only ever watch Friends on TV, but never really experience the Friends-esque lifestyle that I do.

Yes, I lost one person, but I've gained so much more, both literally and mentally. When I go home to Ireland, I've got people who will try to go out of their way to see me, and when I return to England I've got friends that I can text all through the night. And it's these people that I truly can't live without, no matter what happens.

So, if you are reading this, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You want to get married at 18 to a guy you've met once? Go ahead, I've got nothing to say. I'm not jealous. I'm not angry. I'm not phased. You always said you didn't believe in it, but if you really want to, go ahead, whether it be because you really like him, or you want a Green Card.
I've got a good life going for myself. I've got work in the morning, then two days of exams, a day of drinking, and I get a tattoo next week, followed by a concert. I'm doing really great.

If anyone wants to talk about their own issues feel free to email me. 
I always enjoy comments or responses.

As is usually the case, pictures aren't mine and are the property of their rightful owners.